Hot and Cold

 Our love was a poinsettia blooming in

The middle of December – bright and red.

Uncanny time for a love to begin,

all other flowers had long since been dead.

The tender petals looked like fire and

seemed inextinguishable to us.

We neglected roots and petals and planned

to love like this forever, caught in the rush.

But flower and flame must both die away.

The brightest blaze burns out with time

and untended roots will meet with decay.

This love was not meant to be yours and mine.

We parted ways in the hot July sun

much colder than when our love had begun.

Little White Strings

Sometimes I wish that

I could tie little white strings

to all of my words

so as they leave my lips

I can decide to let them go

and fill the open air

like so many helium balloons,

their reds, oranges, yellows, and greens

specking the sky,

bright and free.

Or I could pull them back

just in time, keep them inside

because my words are not always

pretty and bright.

Sometimes thoughtless words slip

through my grasp,

and they are gone

like a balloon evading

the grasp of a helpless child.

But they are not like balloons.

Instead they take on the form

of a terrifying beast.

Once unleashed, with wild eyes

and dripping fangs, it will wreak havoc,

doing more damage than

I could have imagined.

Standing in the wake of disaster

I wish for something that could

change this fate.

No, there is no little white string

to tie to my words.

Once said, these words

are impossible to unsay.

Once released, the beast

will not return to its cage.

White Walls

Layer upon layer of white.

Four ivory walls enclose

icy canopy above

snowy floor below.

Harsh florescent flickers

illuminating leaves of white

paper pages, paper faces.

Shining and bright and white and light

and seemingly endless trite talk

is drowned in my technicolor daydreams.

Bright bursts of watercolor and neon

drip from the pallet of my mind.

With thoughts I splatter the walls

creating textures and facets

for the light to dance on.

I paint these prison walls with my hopes;

with fat pink and red winged hearts

glistening with fresh feelings

that soar across a cerulean sky.

Lush flora emerges

blossoming in the deepest greens and purples

spreading across my imagination.

I explore the world I created

without ever leaving my seat.

No longer confined within white walls

I am free.

I Tried to Hide From You in the Bottom of a Bottle

I tried to hide from you

in a dark room filled with smoke.

I tried to hide from you

behind the things I put into my body

to animate it every morning

to make it sleep at night.

I tried to think of the last place

you would look for me.

I tried to hide from you in the bottom of a bottle

but that, that is where you found me.

The bottom of that bottle looked a lot like

a dimly-lit room

with a dirty grey carpet

where I lay

like a little boat lost at sea.

When you came in

you lit the room like a sunrise.

I tried to hide my filthy, tear-streaked face

behind hands that still dripped

with my own crimson blood.

I was ashamed

because the once-white dress you gave me

was in tatters from my running.

You looked at me without a hint of disdain.

Your eyes were kind, unassuming

and you reached for me.

But I drew back from your touch.

 “Can’t you see what I’ve done,

what I’ve become?

I screwed up, I spit in your face.

I turned my back on you.

I did everything I swore I’d never do.”

You said, “I love you.”

You picked me up

and carried me out of the mess I made,

your clean white clothes taking on the stains of my shame.

You washed my face, my feet

You called me Princess, Beloved.

You called me Beautiful.

A Humbling Thought

I am 6-count 'em- 6 days away from the biggest trip of my life so far. If you've been keeping up with me I'm leaving for a mission trip to Alaska with a team from Bedrock Community Church. I have never been on a plane and I have barely left the east coast. It's kind of a big deal. Back in January, when I signed up, July seemed so far away. That idea coupled with the fact that I was facing the busiest, most stressful semester of my college career kept me from really focusing and preparing for the trip then. This summer, now that my schedule is freed up and I realize that it's crunch time I have been doing a lot of thinking, reflecting and praying trying to get myself ready. Today I've realized that I can't do it.

I can't prepare myself. Not anymore than God already has. And while each member of our team brings something different to the table, it's not our own strengths that got us here. I read 1 Corinthians 1:18-31, where Paul says that God chose the weak, foolish, lowly and despised things of the world to shame the strong and the wise. He did this so that we couldn't boast in our own strength, but rely on His. In Chapter 2 Paul goes on to tell the church in Corinth that when he shared the Gospel with them he didn't come with superior wisdom or speak with wise or persuasive words, but that he came with fear and trembling. Again, this was done so that the people wouldn't claim their salvation from Paul, but from God. And Paul couldn't claim that his words or hos wisdom saved the people. He had to rely on the strength and wisdom of God.

That's what I have to do. I can't take it on myself to get ready for something God has been preparing me for my whole life. God has given me gifts, talents and experiences and He has given me this opportunity to use them, but at the end of the day it won't be me that saves anyone. It'll be the love of God.

Proverbs 3:5-6

 Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will direct your path.

Update! Big Things are Happening

Well it certainly has been a while since my last post. I thoroughly enjoyed being able to write as much as I did in my free time during Christmas break. But now I'm back to the grind and it has been a very busy semester so far. I now have a part-time job working at Chick-fil-a in the food court on campus. I am also taking 15 credits of upper-level English classes and volunteering as a Prayer Leader on my hall. It is shaping up to be quite a stressful semester, but I know that God will grant me the rest and peace I need. I am definitely finding that I need to rely on him more and more.
On that note, some exciting opportunities have come my way. I am now officially on the mission team heading to Alaska this July. Also, I have been asked to be a leader on this trip, organizing the drama aspect of our outreach. I wasn't banking on that when I signed up for the trip, but I am more than willing to take it on. I am so blessed to have this opportunity and I am so psyched to see how God will use me on the trip. I was unsure when I first began thinking about this trip, but everyday God assures me that he will provide all that I need. I am currently in the process of raising funds for the trip. I am making and selling bracelets on campus to raise some of the money, but most of the money will ultimately come from donations. I will be sending out support letters by the first of next week. Between those, the money my family is lovingly and sacrificially giving me, the money I raise from the bracelets, and what I contribute from my own paycheck, I can see it all coming together in time. God is so good!
If you are reading this and are a believer, I ask that you would be praying for me as I raise the money and also for my team and I as we prepare ourselves for the trip. Also be praying for the hearts of the people we will be ministering to while we are in Alaska.
If, however, you are reading this and wondering what the heck this crazy girl from the east coast is doing flying all the way to AK for a week to do who knows what, having never been in a plane, or even far from VA before...etc. then my previous post about AK might clear that up some. If after that you are still wondering, I will hopefully have another post soon that will clear things up.
There is so much more that has happened in the past few months and I wish so deeply that I had the time to write about it, but alas, my busy life is calling. More posts soon, hopefully! <3

The Spirit of the Lord God is upon me. Because the Lord has anointed me to preach good tidings to the poor. He has sent me to heal the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to those who are bound.” Isaiah 61:1

My Bleeding Heart

So I have been thinking lately about this bleeding heart of mine. I have found myself wondering what exactly it is that makes me the kind of person who is willing to get out of bed at 3 in the morning to give a friend a ride when they get pulled over with a suspended license, or the kind of person who will be willing to listen to the troubles of a friend who hasn't spoken to me in years and try to help them, despite the person's selfishness. I give blood several times a year, despite my distaste for needles, to help total strangers. I am the kind of person who will drive out of my way to pick up a friend from the airport, train station, street corner, or where ever and give them a ride, not asking for gas money or expecting anything in return. I open up my home and room to people who need a place to stay and not expect compensation for my trouble. I am more than willing to give out of my excess, whether time, money, or resources, to help people who need it. But why?
It makes other people wonder too. My parents most of all. I don't say all this because it bothers me or because I want recognition or credit for my actions. I also do not claim to have obtained the utmost humility, but as I was pondering these things I came to what I think might be the conclusion. [Again I do not say this to be cocky or prideful] It's Christ-likeness. A very meager, pitiful, human attempt at Christ-likeness. I forgive people who hurt me, I help people who need me, and in my humanity I think this is good or that it makes me good. Christ does it so much better. He looks at the sinful, broken, dirty, prideful, selfish, stupid, lazy, lying, cheating, hateful, violent, careless people of this world-people like me-and he calls them his children. He knew that we would turn our backs on him, hurt him, and spit on his sacrifice, but he still chose to take our place and our punishment on himself.
It still amazes me. Whenever I see lives changed by this incredible love, it amazes me. I didn't deserve it. None of us deserve it. But still I look at my pitiful "sacrifices" like I have done something so noble. These things I do should be expected of me. It is the proper response to the love that has been shown me. I am truly blessed beyond belief and I appreciate any chance I have to share that blessing with others. I thank God for putting that in perspective for me.

"By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.” John 13:35